Dear Wonderful Pistachios,
I keep finding empty shells in my bags of delicious pistachios. Did I receive a defective package? If so, how do I go about applying for a refund? I've already eaten the pistachios containing nuts.
Also, removing the shells is so time consuming. Do you sell a version of these nuts that's easier to eat?
I've gained some weight recently since I started trying to save money and buy food in bulk though Sam's Club. While those bulk packages of bagel bites and half-gallon tubs of creme cheese are a great value, it's a lot to eat!
After I turned 40 a couple of weeks ago, I decided I needed to shed some pounds, so I started looking for ways to get some rigorous exercise in a sustainable and fun way. My friend Mary Inskeep recommended Jazzercise, because she knows I'm a music fan.
I recently attended one of your workout courses, and while I found the exercise rigorous enough for my liking, I was extremely disappointed in the lack of real jazz music that was played. I was expecting hits by Yanni, Kenny G, Zamfir, and Enya, but was instead forced to listen to songs that reminded me of the time I was looking for an art show and accidentally wandered into Studio 54.
Do you offer any classes where actual authentic jazz music is played?
Thank you, Linda Wilson
Editors Note: The MSU Reporter's website is themsureporter.com, which is a terrible domain name.
Dear Them Sure Porter,
I was searching for someone reliable to carry my bags for my upcoming trip to Branson, Missouri, and came across your web site. However, it seems your site has been "hacked" and taken over by some sort of college newspaper.
I was hoping to hire a good porter, as I will have to move between multiple hotels during my five night stay in Branson.
Do you still offer porter services, or have you shut down?
I have recently become concerned over the impurities in public drinking water, and did research on the most environmentally friendly microfilter I could use to protect my children from bacterial dangers. I recently purchased one of your Hiker model Katadyn microfilters and was very excited to start being more environmentally conscious, while at the same time enjoying natural and pure water.
My youngest son, Aaron, went on a class field trip to the stockyards in Milwaukee last week, and I sent him off with our new water filter in his lunch sack, along with a sandwich and a fruit rollup. During the lunch break, Aaron found some water that had collected on the ground, and filtered it using the water filter. To my astonishment, he became violently ill later that night, and was so sick the next day that he missed the Science Fair. Aaron was very upset, because he had worked awfully hard on his project on bacterial growth, and no one got to see the bacterial colonies that he grew from a culture.
Is it possible that we received a contaminated outlet hose from the factory? I noticed on the unit that it said "made in Sweden", and I have a Swedish friend who never washes her hands after using the lavatory. Have your other customers had similar problems with this unit?
Linda B. Wilson
I am trying to use your product this year to complete my tax filing as my 2010 New Year's resolution is to embrace technology.
While I am pleased with how easy it is enter my tax information, I have some concerns with my results. When I entered the site, I was notified that the service would cost me $49.95. However, I am about to file my taxes and the website is telling me it wants to pay me $1,650.00 dollars.
There must be some sort of error in your program—I would just like to pay the fee to use your service to file.
I am also concerned that this will cause me to file my taxes late. Can I get written permission from you to allow me to be a day or two late on my tax return?
P.S. Please respond quickly—taxes are due on April 15th this year.
Dear Parker Brothers,
Last Sunday I caught my youngest son, Aaron, playing Clue with his friends in our rumpus room after I had finished cleaning up after his birthday party. I loved playing Clue as a child, so when Aaron had some questions about the gameplay, I was happy to assist. While paging through the rulebook, I noticed that the listed age range was "8 and up", which brings me to the reason for this letter. My son is six, and his friends range from the age of five and a half to seven. I'm afraid the violent nature of the game may be damaging to children younger than the recommended age range. What changes should I watch for in my son to assure he hasn't been affected by this game? What experiences have other customers had?
I haven't broken the news to his friends' parents yet, as I thought I would consult with you first. Needless to say, I have confiscated the game, and will only allow him to play it when he has reached the age of eight.
Have you thought about creating a Clue-type game more appropriate for young children? How about a game where you have to solve who threw the surprise party in what room, and using what party favor? The options could be streamers, party hats, kazoos, and balloons. You could even reuse the same game board.
Also, do you have any recommendations for currently available board games more appropriate for a six year old?
Sincerely, Linda Wilson
Dear Mighty Putty,
I have great memories of playing with your putty as a child, so when I saw your product in the store the other day, I bought it for my son, Aaron.
I used to find transferring Archie comics particularly enjoyable, so I pulled out my husband's vintage newspaper comic collection to demonstrate. Unfortunately, my demonstration failed and resulted in a ripped newspaper, a disappointed son, and an extremely angry husband.
I'm wondering if I received a defective product, or if I'm doing something incorrectly? I noticed that this putty no longer comes in a plastic egg, and am wondering if that somehow affected the shelf life.
Also, do you know where I can get a copy of the June, 4th, 1967 Chicago Tribune printing of Archie? It's the one where Jughead enters an eating contest.
Dear Weight Watchers,
I've been a member for a few months now, and it's been really helpful having the support and tools to help me control my weight. I have a couple of questions I'm hoping someone can answer, though.
Last Wednesday was my birthday, and a few friends and I went out to a local pizza parlor to celebrate. I ate several slices of pizza, making sure to track my points. I indulged, and had about 20 points worth of pizza, causing me to have to dip into my flex points. Later that night I didn't feel well, and eventually threw up my dinner.
How does this affect my points? Do I get those 20 points back? Does it depend on how much I threw up? Because if so, I threw up about 1 and 3/4 cups.
I recently rented some movies from you over the weekend and saw a disturbing FBI message at the beginning of one of the films: "DVD FOR SALE ONLY". I do not want to get in trouble with the FBI, as I have had some tax problems in the past, and do not want to press my luck. What do I need to do to safely resolve this situation? Can I purchase the film in question from you for the original cost minus the cost of the rental (which I already paid)? Will that be enough to keep me out of trouble?
Also, are you going to get in trouble from the government for renting a DVD that's clearly meant for sale only, or did you simply mix up DVDs you had for sale and DVDs you had for rent? For what it's worth, I will not say anything to the FBI about this matter, as I enjoy your video store very much and would not want to see it closed down.
Editors Note: It's polish, as in shiny, but I liked to think of it as Polish, as in Poland.
Dear Polish Nail Spa,
My family is hosting a foreign exchange student from Poland for the next few months, and I'm looking for things for her to do in town that might make her feel more at home. What types of services you offer that might suit a Polish customer? Do you serve any Polish themed foods during nail care, or play any Polish music?
Linda B. Wilson
Dear Covert Ford,
My husband's birthday is coming up shortly, and he's been wanting a new truck for some time now. Since I'd like this to be a surprise, I thought Covert Ford would be a good choice of dealership.
Before I commit to purchasing, though, I'd like more information about the secrecy-related services you offer.
Can the car be delivered to our house sometime between midnight and 5am (when my husband will surely be asleep)? Also, is it possible to pay for the car after my husband has received it?
Linda B. Wilson
I recently saw your online advertisement for "free whitepaper" while I was browsing for a birthday present for my husband, and was intruiged. Not being one to pass up a good deal, I clicked on the link and printed out the suggested files. To my surprise, when the paper came out of my printer it already had writing on it. Was this an error on my part, or is your link incorrect? I was expecting plain white paper.
Linda B Wilson
P.S. Do you offer free colored paper, too? I'm doing an art project and am in need of some colorful paper. Neon green, specifically.
I once saw a commercial that claimed that your candy only melted inside mouths, so when I was searching for snacks for my recent desert survival retreat, I chose M&Ms. On our trip, I slipped a handful of your candies into my back pocket to keep myself energized for our long hike, but after a few hours my hike-mates started giving me strange looks, often asking if I was feeling all right. I realized what they were thinking later, when I discovered that the candies had melted completely, leaving a suspicious brown stain on my rear end. Needless to say, I was mortified.
My attempts to keep the candies cool by putting them inside our water jug were fruitless, as they eventually dissolved and contaminated the jug. Later, when my hike-mate left her jug of water at our previous campsite, we had to rely on the melted M&M tainted drinking water for our primary water source. Unfortunately, the sugary water dried us all out more than aided us, and some of us suffered the ill effects of severe dehydration. We ended up having to cut our trip short, due to this.
Is this normal? I am wondering if you might have a candy that withstands greater temperatures, or if I just received a defective bag of M&Ms? Would skittles have been a better desert snack?
Linda B. Wilson
I recently purchased a bag of your "Scoops" tortilla chips, and was disappointed at how easily they break while scooping. I have tried several different brands of ice cream with no luck -- the chips simply will not scoop satisfactorily. Would you recommend a different product for this purpose, or do you think the problem is with the ice cream I'm using? I have found that letting the ice cream melt for a little while improves matters, but I have yet to be fully satisfied. I am hoping you sell a stronger chip, that would better suit my needs.
P.S. I would try using frozen yogurt, but my daughter is allergic.
Recently my family and I organized a neighborhood cleanup after our neighbor's house was vandalized by a local gang. We chose to use your Force Flex bags to gather up the debris because of the highly-acclaimed "puncture protection" your brand offers, while other brands do not.
Surprisingly, the shards of broken glass and several boards with nails were no match for these bags. I was disappointed and embarrassed that the bags I publicly supported broke and spilled their contents in front of all my neighbors.
I was wondering if the bags I purchased are defective, or if Iâ€™m using them incorrectly? Should I have double bagged? Do you have a product that is designed to withstand greater force?
Linda B. Wilson
I recently purchased your Rectangular Gas Grill Cover to protect my new Weber grill, and while I am pleased with the overall look of the cover, I have had some trouble using it while grilling. Although it fits snugly when the grill is closed, opening the grill is difficult while the cover is in place. I managed to prevent it from slipping by fastening it more securely to the grill with some duct tape, but I do feel a better attachment mechanism should be included with the product.
Also, when grilling, smoke seems to gather under the cover and pour out of the bottom making the meat very difficult to see. The heat generated by the grill also seems to be a problem, as the cover has melted slightly in places. I'm wondering if some venting might help, or if you sell a more durable version of this grill cover.
Are the problems I've described common with this product, or am I simply grilling at a higher temperature than recommended?
Sincerely, Linda Wilson
I recently saw your commercial advertising your pressure relieving mattresses. In the commercial, the man explained that on your mattress you can place a glass of red wine and jump on the bed without spilling the wine. You then suggested "try THAT on your metal spring mattress". I did as the commercial suggested and was very disappointed in the results. The wine spilled and permanently stained my bed! I was wondering if your company would be willing to offer some sort of compensation or discount on one of your spill resistant mattresses to remedy this unfortunate situation.
Linda B. Wilson
Dear Mr. Hasbro,
My daughter, Denise, was given the easy bake oven as a birthday gift recently and last weekend I decided to put it to good use. I attempted to make my famous chicken kiev dish, but after sitting down to eat it my family realized the chicken was grossly undercooked. My youngest son, Aaron, stayed up vomiting all night as a result. Is this normal? I couldn't find any solution in the FAQ for this problem. Is my easy bake oven defective? If so, how do I get a replacement?
Linda B Wilson
P.S. Can I get the unit in blue?
I have to question the validity of a certain Pop Tarts commercial I just saw. In this particular commercial a seemingly caring mother gives her son a pop tart while pushing him out the door for school. When he meets up with his other friend, he is given a pilsbury toaster strudel and seems thankful. The other friend asks the boy "So, where do you put all those pop tarts?". The boy then pulls a garage door opener out of his pocket and pushes the button. The garage door opens and reveals a mountain of Pop Tarts spilling out of the garage.
First, what kind of mother gives their boy a Pop Tart for breakfast? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and a tiny goo filled pasty does not constitute a complete breakfast.
Also, is that boy ready to handle the responsibility of carrying a garage door opener around? If he loses it he gives anyone access to the house. That is a very big risk that mother is taking. Also, how did the parents not notice the pop tarts piling up in the garage? With that sort of lack of attention, I can't imagine what else they haven't noticed.
Thank you for your time,
Linda B Wilson
Last month I purchased what I believed to be a 6 inch veggie sub. When I got home, I measured it, and it wasn't quite 6 inches. Was this just a mistake during my visit, or are they all not quite 6 inches? I just don't want people to get shorted a single millimeter of your delicious sandwiches.
Also, I would like information on opening my own Subway location.
Thanks for your time,
Linda B. Wilson
Dear Mr. Pepsi,
After a long hot day, I recently sat down to enjoy a crystal clear pepsi. However, upon tasting it I was shocked to find it was almost completely flat and had a funny flavor I can not describe. I know they're not SUPPOSED to taste like this which make me think the 12 pack I purchased is defective. I already tried taking it back to the store but they informed me that they don't carry the product anymore. How do I go about getting a replacement?
Linda B. Wilson